Friday, January 7, 2011

Cervical Cancer update! A Soldiers battle scars, Walking to deaths door and back again until the enemy is desecrated

I slept most of today so I will post more later this morning. My sleep has been erratic, but I have answers finally about that too. It looks like I will be living with that and everything else, the radiation from my treatment years ago, which at the time was experimental, well it worked and it saved my life, but I had so much and, well anyway me and the other girls who have had this (I was in some clinical trials and stuff where they did some radical things to me, they told me they were walking me to deaths door and praying I would come back. It was a rough cancer journey.) anyway, the other girls were about the same as me and they are having the same issues as me, so I was relieved to have some answers and have proof these things are from treatment. I always wonder if I am going crazy, getting old or just lazy... lol so,

The scan came back as showing NO cancer, but the spot on my bladder calls for further checking since the radiation they injected into my bloodstream yesterday settles in the bladder, they can not tell if the inflammation is scarring from radiation, an infection, or cancer, so they are sending me to another specialist next week BUT, they are leaning away from it being cancer and more towards scarring. The bladder inflammation is the only area of concern and it looks like it will be ok, well, at least it most likely is not cancer.

They said I have a lot of internal damage from the chemo and radiation. So, as for the rest of me, they checked me with the pet scan and there is no cancer recurrence anywhere in my body! (Some of the chemo and treatments I was subjected to actually have cancer as a side effect, so that is also scary to me.)

 I am now also finally going to have a personal advocate for my quality of life care and survivor-ship. I meet with her next week! This is AWESOME to me! I am so happy to finally have some answers and some help with my journey! THANK you all for caring so much. It means so much to me. really. <3

:0) Everything is still sinking in, and I have been wiped out from everything and sleeping erratically so hang with me, I will post more soon. I can't thank you all enough for your kind word and caring. It means more to me than you will ever know. God Bless, hugs <3

Keep praying, it is working as always! <3   ;0)

I have been working on a book about my cancer experience. Here is some of my ramblings ;0)

To those of you going through cancer, you should never be afraid to share your cancer journey, or reach out to someone who is going through it. You might be afraid you won't have the right thing to say to a cancer patient, or something, but believe me, they need you and it won't give you cancer to reach out. A small act of kindness, help with family needs, financial help, a smile, a card, help washing dishes, transportation, watching the kids, anything, it is all appreciated because cancer zaps you, in every way of your being, and even years after, there are struggles because your life is different, you are a different person and for me, that journey has been the hardest. I know who I was before cancer, but I still don't know who "this" girl is. I am disabled now. I used to be so active. There are some people who actually need space to handle things, and sometimes I did also, please don't be offended if the person seems ungrateful or refuses company. It takes a lot of mental work to deal with the cancer experience and that alone can be exhausting. Of course watch for signs of depression, but otherwise give them the space they need. It can be a difficult balance at times.

Those who were not on my journey can not understand what it felt like when I was severely ill and had home health care in bed for a year or so, or when they overdosed me with chemo and about killed all my blood cells, or when I was alone in a cold dark room one night at the James, on the high risk maternity ward when they came in to tell me I needed to prep for surgery, it was to risky for the baby and they would have to end the pregnancy, then coming back in later to tell me they made a mistake and it was my roommate, you can only imagine the pain and then the guilt, the guilty relief and so on.

I think it really hit me, like a train wreck, when after being life flighted to the OSU Med center/ James Cancer Hospital from my local hospital, who couldn't get my bleeding to stop, I got transferred to another room. This after running many tests in the er and managing the bleeding at a sustainable level, including transfusions. I was out of it when they transferred me, this was also before my actual diagnosis.  I think it was my family and husband who wheeled me out of my hospital room to get some new scenery, when I looked up and read on the wall "Gynecologic Oncology Maternity Ward" for high risk pregnancies, or something like that. I then looked at my family who all looked down and away with that look, the one that says it all, sad and like they all already knew, and now were watching me discover the truth they wish I never would, as if, at that moment, somehow they felt like if they wouldn't have let me read the wall or if I hadn't  seen it, that somehow they could shelter me from it, or somehow it wouldn't be true, because even though the tests weren't back yet, they pretty much knew I had cancer. More-so, we all knew what that could mean for our baby.

Well, more on that later...

So, I am not able to be who I was ever again and I think today, I am finally okay with that, and okay with those people who don't understand my personal cancer experience and expect more from me than I can be, or those who think I will never be able to do anything. Those who called themselves friends, put distance between us, even yelled at me and called me lazy, gave me stories about someone they heard of who was able to just bounce right back into their life and care for like 8 children, and those who said I should just smile and have faith and just be normal, I forgive them, because they can't understand this battle, this journey, because it is mine and I can't expect them to understand, but oh how I wish they did. I do hope they see one day. I know some people bounce right back from cancer, a small mole removed, or a minor surgery, but each is different and sometimes the internal struggle is more difficult, no matter how intense the treatment.

I wish I had more to give, more to be, and maybe one day it will all click, maybe that day is today. Right now, this is who I am and this is what I have on my plate and in my tool bag, so I work with what I have and it has to be enough, for me. I tend to have perfectionist tendencies, and can be my worst enemy. I really have to stop that.

I was walked to deaths door over and over like a soldier drafted to an inevitable war, the battle my own, still some chose to step in, while doing everything I could to retain the casualties inward, yet knowing full well the collateral damage an experience like cancer can have on everyone and everything close to me, and those who mean the world to me. We tred on relentless, with the best doctors, nurses, friends, and community holding my hand, until every last cancer cell was destroyed. I lived, but many other parts of me were destroyed along with the cancer. This was my battle, my journey, and I fought like a warrior, clinging like a child desperately to God's hand. Some things I will never get back. Some I might and some I already have.

But those absent during that time can't judge my progress where I am and who I am right now, and I don't expect them to understand, but it is like a wonderful new chance to discover who we are all over again and learn new things about each other, because life, in whatever extreme, always changes people.So, it is what it is and today I am ready to live in this body that has scared me for five years, I am ready to accept its limitations, and count them as heroic badges of courage, like a soldier with battle scars.

more soon....


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  1. What a beautiful start to your story, Wendy! I was one of the people not around during that time, and it means alot to be included in your journey now:)

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